Games and Dating
by D.L. SchizoAuthoress
Summary: The Mighty Ducks take over The Dating Game! Part Four: Orion, Twinkies, and racial tension...not to mention the ad for DUFF! [ON HOLD]
1. Guy chooses from Connie, Tammy, & Julie

A/N: Screw off, I want to do this. Probably a one-shot until I get paralytically bored again. This has no plot, no rhyme or reason to exist exist save the sheer force of my will and insanity.  
  
"Games and Dating Shouldn't Mix" (an acid trip of a mighty ducks.the dating game fusion by SchizoAuthoress)  
  
[SETTING: The retro 70s set of "The Dating Game." A wall splits the stage in two. On one side is the huge light-up Dating Game insignia and a comfortable chair. On the other side are three mismatched barstools.]  
  
[Coach Bombay comes onstage, trailed by a huge entourage of makeup artists, agents, sponsors, and the occasional hooker. The theme music for "The Dating Game" starts. In a final haze of hairspray and hockey jerseys, Bombay is alone on the stage again.]   
  
BOMBAY: Hello and welcome to a very special edition of "The Dating Game!" I'm Gordon Bombay, former asshole lawyer turned asshole peewee coach turned minor league hockey player turned asshole coach for Team USA in the Junior Goodwill Games turned mysterious Obi-Wan Kenobi-esque asshole who dumps a bunch of kids with abandonment issues in a prep school and who only shows up to shower my prepackaged wisdom on them at the most opportune times. But enough about me. Let's meet our first contestant on...  
  
AUDIENCE: THE DATING GAME!  
  
[Guy Germaine comes on the stage and sits down in the comfortable swivel chair--upholstered with psychadelic-patterned polyester fabric--provided for him.]   
  
BOMBAY: Bachelor Guy Germaine, recently in the 'off' situation of his on-again, off-again relationship with Connie Moreau. Will the Bachelorettes please come onstage as well?  
  
[On the other side of the wall, Tammy Duncan, Julie Gaffney, and Connie Moreau walk onstage and sit down on their barstools. Tammy curses under her breath, jumps up, and demands a cushion. Three crew members run out and tie cushions to each barstool.]  
  
BOMBAY: You may start asking the questions now, Guy.  
  
GUY: (clears throat) Bachelorette One. (reads from 3x5 card) What's your ideal first date?  
  
TAMMY: Well, first--  
  
JULIE and CONNIE: Hey!  
  
[There is a brief tussle as the girls fight over who is Bachelorette One. At the end of the short fight/argument, Connie takes the first chair, Tammy the second, and Julie the last. Connie smiles brilliantly and answers.]  
  
CONNIE: My ideal first date would be to go to a hockey game and share a soda and hot dog!  
  
GUY: (looks mildly enthused) Sounds fun...and familiar. Bachelorette Two? Same question.  
  
TAMMY: Well, first, we'd break into my dad's liquor cabinet and steal a couple bottles of tequila. Then, we'd put them in a backpack and ride the number seven bus around downtown and get drunk, possibly making out on the bench-seat in the back. The date would end with us throwing up in an alley and walking over to an arcade where we'd call your mom to pick us up.  
  
[Complete silence. The audience stares at Tammy, who glares back with a defiant look on her face. Guy shuffles the cards that he holds.]  
  
GUY: Right. Um...that sounds...different. Bachelorette Three, if we were out on the town and you saw another girl checking me out, how would you handle the situation?  
  
JULIE: I'd very calmly tell her to back off. But if she got mouthy with me, I might have to mace her.  
  
BOMBAY: (to an agent) Where the hell do we get these Bachelorettes? (to camera) We have to go to commerical now, but we'll be right back with more questions for our lovely Bachelorettes!  
  
****  
  
[SETTING: A loft apartment. A woman is sitting at a computer desk, reading something on the screen. A cockroach crawls across the keyboard.]  
  
[A look of horror crosses her face.]  
  
WOMAN: Oh, no!  
  
ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: Got a pest problem?   
  
WOMAN: (looks at the camera) Yes! Look at this trash they're passing off as a fanfic!  
  
[The front door opens. As the woman turns around, a middle-aged man in a suit looks in. The woman smiles in greeting.]  
  
ANNOUNCER: Um, no. I meant that roach.  
  
WOMAN: Oh, that. (waves hand dismissively) My pet tarantula will take care of that. Anyway, I've got a pest problem, like you said.  
  
[A younger man flings the door the rest of the way open and smiles brilliantly at the camera.]  
  
SECOND ANNOUNCER: Move over, Noble Way! Take a hike, Orkin! We're the Mary-Sue Exterminators!  
  
ANNOUNCER: No, we're not.  
  
SECOND ANNOUNCER: Yes, we are. Didn't you get the inter-office memo?  
  
ANNOUNCER: What? No.  
  
[The announcer leaves the apartment.]  
  
SECOND ANNOUNCER: We've changed focus from killing insects to ridding the Internet of Mary Sue OCs.  
  
WOMAN: That's great! How do you do it?  
  
[First announcer comes back in holding a sheet of paper that has "Mary-Sue Exterminators Script" on the top of it. He studies this paper closely as his younger counterpart begins to explain.]  
  
SECOND ANNOUNCER: With this special filter software, developed with input from numerous authors from many fandoms! When you click on a fanfiction link, the software scans the contents of the fanfic, and a warning pops up that tells you if the story exibits two or more traits readily indentified with a Mary Sue.  
  
ANNOUNCER: (reading from script) "Also works with Marty Stus."  
  
WOMAN: Wow! I need to get me one of those!  
  
[Placard flashes across screen: "Got a pest problem? Can't stand another Mary Sue? Call the Mary-Sue Exterminators! 1-800-KLL-BUGS."]  
  
SCHIZ: Product does not actually exist. But don't you wish that it did?  
  
****  
  
[SETTING: The "Dating Game" set. Gordon is being sprayed down with a few dozen cans of hairspray, Guy is whistling the original "Star Trek" theme, Connie is humming the original "Star Trek" fighting theme, Tammy is playing with a lighter, and Julie is picking her nose.]  
  
["Dating Game" theme music starts up.]  
  
GORDON: And we're back! Now Guy will be asking three more questions of out bachelorettes, and then he will chose one for a special night on the town! Guy, if you would...?  
  
[Guy shuffles the cards and smiles.]  
  
GUY: Bachelorette Three, I love Broadway plays. What is your favorite Broadway production?  
  
JULIE: I'd have to say..."Cats."  
  
[Guy looks disappointed. Gordon peeks over Guy's shoulder at the preferred answer.]  
  
GORDON: "Chicago"?  
  
GUY: Yes! Scantily clad women dancing and singing, adultery, murder, suspenseful trial sequence, triumphant ending...who could prefer "Cats" over "Chicago"?   
  
[A pause.]  
  
GUY: Anyway, Bachelorette One, do you have any special skills that you think might win me over on our date?  
  
CONNIE: I can tie a cherry stem into a double-knot with my tongue!  
  
GUY: Hmm, sounds interesting. Bachelorette Two, what's your personal motto?  
  
TAMMY: Live fast, try everything at least once, die without regrets!  
  
JULIE: Hey! I've got a better one! "If you can't stop the puck, get out of the way!"  
  
TAMMY: Shut up! He doesn't care about your lame-ass motto, he asked me!  
  
JULIE: You self-centered bitch!  
  
GORDON: Whoa, I don't think we can say that on TV! Um, let's cut to a commerical break, so Guy can think his choice over! (to security guards) Break this thing up before it gets ugly!  
  
****  
  
[Shot of a kid with a camera filming a very hokey-looking, cheap reproduction of an Indiana Jones movie scene. Audio: People singing a catchy jingle.]  
  
"It's the Movie Maker! The Movie Maker!  
  
Make a new movie with no regard to copyrights!  
  
It's the Movie Maker! The Movie Maker!  
  
Make dumb action sequences look like real fights!"  
  
ANNOUNCER: It's fun and easy! Simple record your movie scene, using whatever stupid props you can come up with.  
  
[Kid with camera runs inside the house and hooks the camera up to his computer.]  
  
ANNOUNCER: Then, using the special Movie Maker computer--$1,500 in the US, $20,000 Canada because we have to put in a French translation for those users in Quebec--load your movie into the editing program. There, you can select from over 500,000 movie titles...  
  
[The cheap reproduction suddenly looks incredibly futuristic. TIE fighters are flying in the background.]  
  
ANNOUNCER: From "Star Wars..."  
  
[Incredibly futuristic scene turns to a bloody hockey match with a few clicks from Kid with camera.]  
  
ANNOUNCER: To the "Mighty Ducks" movie franchise!   
  
[On the computer screen, a huge boulder drops onto center ice and starts rolling toward the other team's goal. Adam Banks, with a rare, priceless articfact in one hand, his hockey stick in the other, skates in front of it. At the last moment, he passes the puck to Guy Germaine, throws the priceless artifact to Kenny Wu, and is squished by the rolling boulder. Guy shoots the puck in for the win, and then the other team's goalie is flattened by the boulder.]  
  
KID WITH CAMERA: Wow! And I can even create my OWN movies on the Movie Maker!  
  
ANNOUNCER: That's right, the Movie Maker comes with a special character-creator! Simply scan in an image of whoever you want to play your original character, then use the character-creator to change your actor's image into the character. Shoot your scenes, and your original character will be right in the middle of the action!  
  
DISCLAIMING VOICE: Nuclear reactor needed to power Movie Maker not included. Not compatible with Mac, Windows, or Linux. Mary-Sue Exterminators filter software compatible.  
  
****  
  
[The Dating Game stage once again. However, instead of the theme song, "Mr. Big Stuff" is playing, and you can see Gordon on stage with a pair of buxom models wearing nothing but hockey jerseys. A big fan is messing up their hair, and an excitable, familiar-looking photographer is bouncing around them. Guy and the girls are on the other side of the wall, and Guy is making out with each of them in turn, as a final test to see who he should date.]  
  
AUSTIN THE PHOTOGRAPHER: Yeah, baby, yeah! You're an animal! You're a ti-ger. You're TONY the Tiger, you're grrrr-eat, baby! Yes, yes...  
  
[Charlie and Averman sneak onto the set, carrying a paper lunch bag that reeks of cow pie. They dump the contents of the bag onto the big fan.]  
  
[Shit flies everywhere. The models are screaming, Gordon is yelling that he wants his agent, and Austin the photgrapher flings his camera in the air, shouting,]  
  
AUSTIN THE PHOTOGRAPHER: No, no! I didn't say you were dung beetles, I said tigers! ...And, I'm spent!  
  
[Austin goes around the wall and finds Guy and Connie in a liplock, and Tammy and Julie bickering. He grins.]  
  
AUSTIN: Hello, ladies. What say you and I go out for a night on the town, come back to my place for a roll in the hay, swinger-style?  
  
[Both Tammy and Julie go glassy-eyed as Austin's mojo starts having an effect on them.]  
  
TAMMY: Hell, yeah!  
  
AUSTIN: Smashing...  
  
[He puts an arm around each of them.]  
  
JULIE: (giggling) Ooohhh, Mr. Powers...  
  
AUSTIN: By the way, bitchy baby and giggly baby, what flavour condom to you prefer? This is the 90s, after all...free love and responsibility. It's a very groovy time...  
  
END TRANSMISSION 


	2. Linda chooses from Goldberg, Russ & Pete

A/N: Hey. Too much "Shoebox" and the interactive fic on the Yahoo! Group of MbNSlash has insane!Wufei muse working overtime, and he decided to take it out on me and make me do another one of these damned Dating Game bits.   
  
****  
  
Q to the im-bey! I hope you appreciate the pedophileness that I endowed Bombay with in this chapter. And the campaign endorsement. It's all for you, since you're a motherfuckin' P.I.M.P. and I'm just a lowly bitch.  
  
****  
  
The Sequel: "Games and Dating Shouldn't Be Blended in a Showdown Between Iron Chefs"  
  
[SETTING: The retro 70s set of "The Dating Game." A wall splits the stage in two. On one side is the huge light-up Dating Game insignia and a comfortable chair. On the other side are three multi-colored beanbag chairs.]  
  
[Coach Bombay comes onstage, trailed by a huge entourage of makeup artists, agents, sponsors, underage boys in bondage gear, and the occasional queen. The theme music for "The Dating Game" starts. In a final haze of hairspray and hockey jerseys, Bombay is alone on the stage again.]   
  
BOMBAY: Hello and welcome to another very special edition of "The Dating Game"! I'm Coach Gordon Bombay, but you might know me as scary lawyer man, scary butthead coach man, scary evil coach-with-wet-hair man, scary spooky mentor-type man, or just scary short man who-looks-a-lot-like-that-dude-from-'The Breakfast Club.' Today, we have Linda, rich wannabe-granola girl from Eden Hall as our beautiful Bachelorette!  
  
[Linda--wearing an expensive peasant blouse, stone-washed capris, and Birkenstocks--prances on stage and sits in the psychadelic-patterned polyester chair, giving her braided brown hair a flirtatious flip and winking at the camera.]  
  
BOMBAY: Send in the Bachelors!  
  
[Greg Goldberg, Russ Tyler, and Peter Mark are ushered onstage and sit down on their beanbags.]  
  
BOMBAY: Now, we're ready to play...  
  
AUDIENCE: THE DATING GAME!  
  
LINDA: (shuffling her cards) Hello, Bachelors! How are you all?  
  
GOLDBERG: Hi, um, Bachelorette. I'm fine...  
  
RUSS: Hey, Linda, how /you/ doin'?  
  
PETER: Heyyy, baby. Pick me and we'll both be real happy...I promise.  
  
[Linda blushes.]  
  
LINDA: Right, err...Bachelor One, what do you think about the 'Save the Rainforest' movement?  
  
GOLDBERG: I think it's a bunch of tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, hippie wannabes trying to make a difference when big corporations are just going to bulldoze the thing down sooner or later anyway.  
  
LINDA: Uh-huh. (to Peter) Bachelor Three? Same question.  
  
PETER: (obviously kissing up) I think that it's a wonderful idea. And, and...uh, a valiant effort on the part of truly concerned citizens of the planet Earth to...preserve the planet's natural beauty for...er, future generations.  
  
LINDA: (buying into it like the naive little rich girl that she is) Ooh, Bachelor Three, you sound so erudite and compassionate!  
  
[Bombay suddenly reappears onstage, wiping at his mouth and smiling nervously.]  
  
BOMBAY: Let's go to commercial!  
  
****  
  
ANNOUNCER VOICE: George W. Bush is an evil man. Evil like processed cheese. Do you want a processed cheese president?  
  
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE: NO!  
  
ANNOUNCER VOICE: The American people have spoken! We need someone else!   
  
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE: Someone better!  
  
ANNOUNCER VOICE: Someone who's not afraid to admit that America has become a big bully!   
  
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE: Someone who's not afraid!  
  
ANNOUNCER VOICE: Someone who loves America!  
  
BOB DOLE: (stands up in the middle of the crowd) Bob Dole loves America!  
  
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE: We want Bob Dole as our president!  
  
[A huge American flag unfurls, and Bob Dole paces in front of it, hopped up on Viagra.]  
  
BOB DOLE: Bob Dole says, the American people know what they want! Cheap reality shows, drunk college girls flipping up their tops on video tape, and Bob Dole as President! That redneck Clinton can't stop me now! Bob Dole says, 'Vote for Bob Dole!'  
  
[The words: BOB DOLE IN 2004 scroll across the screen]  
  
ANNOUNCER VOICE: Paid for by the QFBD, Quimbys for Bob Dole.  
  
****  
  
[SETTING: The "Dating Game" set. Gordon is missing from the stage again. Linda is braiding a lanyard, Goldberg is reading 'The Joy of Cooking'--just in case he wins, he's going to cook a meal for the two of them. Peter is reading what looks to be a comic book, but the top edge of an issue of 'Penthouse' is showing. And Russ has a pair of headphones on, nodding his head to the beat.]  
  
LINDA: Um, are we back on?  
  
GOLDBERG: Yeah, where's Coach Bombay?  
  
[Nothing happens. The camerman can be heard hissing, 'Just ask the questions!']  
  
LINDA: Oh, right! Okay, Bachelor Two. What are you looking for in a girlfriend?  
  
RUSS: (takes off headphones) She's gotta have a sense of humor...be able to put up with my crazy friends...um, being pretty wouldn't hurt too, ya know what I'm sayin'?  
  
LINDA: (looks unimpressed) Bachelor Three, what are your hobbies?  
  
PETER: I like to play hockey, go to parties...(starts saying what Linda wants to hear) uhmm, protest the WTO, exercise my sense of moral outrage, boycott non-organic farms...and, er, stuff like that.  
  
LINDA: Sounds great! Bachelor One, same question.  
  
[Before Goldberg can answer, however, there is the sound of door being broken down and the shout of "FBI! Put your hands over your head, you low-life scum!"]  
  
[A scuffle breaks out backstage. People can be heard screaming.]  
  
[Two FBI agents suddenly drag a half-naked Bombay onstage. They slam him against the back wall and handcuff him.]  
  
FBI AGENT: You're under arrest, Gordon Bombay! We have outstanding warrants in seven states for you!  
  
LINDA: Oh my gosh! What did he do?  
  
OTHER FBI AGENT: Kidnapping, rape, unlawful sex with a minor, child pornography...  
  
GOLDBERG: Oh, man, that is *nasty*!  
  
[Suddenly, a man stands up in the audience.]  
  
MAN: You have no right to arrest this man!  
  
FBI AGENT: Yes, we do!  
  
MAN: He's in the local chapter of NAMBLA! The North American Man-Boy Love Association! We have rights, too, you know!  
  
OTHER FBI AGENT: Oh, yeah. (to Gordon) You have the right to remain silent. If you give up the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law....  
  
[The NAMBLA Man gets on the stage.]  
  
NAMBLA MAN: There you have it, folks! Discrimination at its finest!  
  
UNDERAGED BOY: You sick bastard! Your pal over there tried to have sex with me!  
  
RUSS: Okay, that's it.  
  
PETER: Man, oh man, all I wanted was a freakin' date!  
  
GOLDBERG: Whaddaya say we go take out the trash?  
  
[The three Bachelors come around the wall and drag NAMBLA Man offstage. Goldberg comes back onstage.]  
  
GOLDBERG: 'Scuse me, Linda, we need the chair.  
  
LINDA: (standing) Go right ahead.  
  
[Goldberg picks up the chair and carries it offstage. Moments later, the sound of the chair breaking and lots of cursing from the Bachelors is heard.]  
  
[Someone yells, "Go to commercial! Go to commercial!"]  
  
****  
  
[SETTING: Generic Monster Truck Rally commercial]  
  
[Scenes of monster trucks leaping buses, crushing cars, the works]  
  
SCREAMING ANNOUNCER: Come down to the HENDRIX AMPITHEATER for THE BEST DAMN MONSTER TRUCK SHOW PERIOD! WE'VE GOT SMASHING, CRASHING, AND A MONSTER TRUCK DEATHMATCH!  
  
SECOND SCREAMING ANNOUNCER: TICKETS ARE $666 FOR ADULTS, $420 FOR TEENS, AND $333 FOR THE KIDS! Or you can simply give us YOUR SOUL!  
  
QUIET ANNOUNCER: All souls must be sold to AOL Time Warner.  
  
SCREAMING ANNOUNCER: GIVE US YOUR SOUL!!!! Concessions are FREE for those WHO PAY WITH THEIR SOULS!  
  
****  
  
[SETTING: Dating Game set. Peter and Linda have vanished. Goldberg and Russ are still beating on the NAMBLA man, who is whimpering pitifully and crawling toward the FBI agents.]  
  
NAMBLA MAN: Arrest me too! Arrest me! I have the biggest collection of kiddie porn in the Western Hemisphere! Just stop these kids!  
  
FBI AGENT: Thank you, boys. We'll take it from here.  
  
[Russ scowls and shoves a rusty chair spring through the man's hand.]  
  
[NAMBLA Man screams pitifully.]  
  
RUSS: Damn, looks like Peter ran off with Linda.   
  
GOLDBERG: Forget about it. He'll just get her drunk and try to get in her pants. She'll be so disgusted, she'll come running back for one of us.  
  
OTHER FBI AGENT: The show is over! Cut the feed!  
  
CAMERAMAN: We still have five minutes left!  
  
[Two familiar young men run onto the set]  
  
WAYNE CAMPBELL: We've got you covered, man!  
  
WAYNE AND GARTH: Wayne's World, Wayne's World...party time, excellent!  
  
END TRANSMISSION 


	3. Averman chooses from Adam, Ken, and Luis

A/N: Please don't get mad because of certain gay jokes within. They might seem like bashes, but they truly aren't.  
  
::drags in a couch upon which are parked the oh-so-cute butts of Fulton Reed and Dean Portman::  
  
These are Bashes. ::ducks rotten vegetables thrown at her:: Oh, like it wasn't a good pun!  
  
****  
  
And Star, THE Averman fangirl, guess who the main Bachelor is for this chapter? ^_^   
  
****  
  
The Sequel to the Sequel: "Games and Dating Shouldn't Be Crossbred for Scientific Research, Either"  
  
[SETTING: The retro 70s set of "The Dating Game." A wall splits the stage in two. On one side is the huge light-up Dating Game insignia and a comfortable chair. On the other side are three grey swivel computer chairs.]  
  
[Wolf 'the Dentist' Stansson comes onstage. The theme music for "The Dating Game" starts.]   
  
STANSSON: Hello and welcome to another very special edition of "The Dating Game"! Since Gordon Bombay is on trial for, among other things, kiddy porn (I always thought the guy was a sicko...), I will be filling in today. I am Wolf Stansson, also known as 'the Dentist,' for the fact that I like to punch people in the face--it's not my fault that their teeth fall out because I punch them! And also, since Bravo--AKA "Lifetime Channel for Gays"--has rented the soundstage for the day, this episode of the Dating Game is going to have a very "Boy Meets Boy" format. You know what I mean. Bring in the four Bachelors!  
  
[On Stansson's side of the wall, Les Averman runs onstage and dives onto the psychadelic-patterned polyester recliner. He waves at the camera and grins widely.]  
  
AVERMAN: Hi, Dad! Hi!  
  
STANSSON: This is Les Averman, our main Bachelor, who will be choosing from three other young men the one that he wants to go on a date with. Where are your question cards?  
  
AVERMAN: Right here. Can we start now?  
  
[Suddenly, from the audience...]  
  
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: Would ya look at the size of that kid's head! It's the size of a planetoid and it has it's own weather system! Looks like an orange on a toothpick!  
  
AVERMAN: What? What the hell?  
  
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Aye, now that was offsides, now wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.  
  
AVERMAN: Ha ha, very funny. How would you like a hockey puck in your teeth?  
  
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: Oooh, I'm so scared...Melon-head!  
  
[Meanwhile, on the other side of the wall, the three Bachelors have taken their seats. Adam Banks is sitting in the first chair, absent-mindedly massaging his wrist. Ken Wu is twirling around in the second chair. Luis Mendoza has whipped out a compact mirror and is checking out his hair.]  
  
STANSSON: Right... Well, Averman, start asking the questions.  
  
[Averman picks up a random card and reads.]  
  
AVERMAN: "Bachelor One, do you have any hobbies?"  
  
ADAM: Well, I take lots of painkillers and go to raves, man, that's fun. Or I get drunk and crash a karaoke bar. Other than that, I don't really have any hobbies.  
  
STANSSON: (muttering to himself) Why is there always one contestant who likes to get drunk on this stupid show?  
  
AVERMAN: You sound like a real wild-child, Bachelor One. (mumbles) I'm not sure whether I should be happy, or scared... (aloud) Bachelor Three, if you were a dessert, how would you describe yourself?  
  
LUIS: Dessert, is it? Well, I'd have to say that I'm like an ice cream sundae. Sweet, smooth, and topped with all the right stuff.   
  
[Luis smiles fetchingly at the audience. There is the sound of several young women and men swooning off-camera.]  
  
KEN: (still spinning) Oh, brother.  
  
AVERMAN: Bachelor Two, who is your role model?  
  
KEN: Umm...(spins faster, to help himself think) I'd have to say my dad, because he worked very hard to give my family opportunities that he never had for himself.  
  
ADAM: Dude...you're making me dizzy just watching you.  
  
[Luis sticks out his hand and grabs the back of Ken's chair. The Asian boy stops suddenly and turns a rather disgusting shade of green.]  
  
KEN: Oh, God... (dives off-stage)  
  
[There is the sound of retching. Averman looks concerned.]  
  
AVERMAN: Um, shouldn't you see if he's okay?  
  
ADAM: Oh, please, I do that all the time and nobody cares...  
  
LUIS: That's cos you're a freakin' drunk.  
  
STANSSON: Right, right. Go to commercial!  
  
****  
  
[SETTING: Star's flat. Star is surrounded by fairy lights and other such Christmas decorations. She is trying to hammer a nail into the wall, but nothing happens when she hits it with a hammer.]  
  
CARLA: Psst, Star! We're on!  
  
STAR: Really? (picks up an ashtray) (aside) Well, it's worth a try...  
  
[Star whacks the nail with the ashtray. The nail is now successfully stuck in the wall.]  
  
STAR: Awesome. Hey, Carla, bring the viewers up to speed while I grab the old man?  
  
CARLA: Sure. (Carla comes around the camera into the shot.) Hi, everyone. Star has been having some trouble getting her Christmas decorations up, so she kidnapped Santa Claus, delaying Christmas until she gets everything up. Even these evil fairy lights. The only problem is--  
  
[Someone can be heard shouting, "And when I get out of here, you're on the naughty list for life!"]  
  
CARLA: Hey! Santa, you shut up! You're interrupting my monologue!   
  
[Star drags Santa into the room. The jolly old man is trussed up with ropes, gift ribbon, and twine. Star pushes him onto a chair and uses duct tape to restrain him. Then she removes his pointed red cap and stuff it in his mouth. Silence.]   
  
CARLA: That's better. As you can see, this is not a bluff. We really DO have Santa Claus here. So this is a message to Mrs. Claus.   
  
STAR: Send some of those elves to help me out, or Santa stays with me! And no rescue missions either--or I'll start him on the Atkins diet, I swear! Skinny Santa would be bad press, wouldn't it, Mrs. Claus?  
  
[Carla holds a cardboard sign up to the camera, effectively blocking out everything else. The sign reads: "You know where Star lives, Claus. You have twelve hours to comply with our demands, or else!"]  
  
STAR'S VOICE: Oh, and bring some M&Ms, too! If you don't, I have Slim Fast somewhere in the kitchen!  
  
****  
  
STANSSON: And we're back. Now Averman can ask more stupid questions so that he can go out on a waste-of-time date. Say, Averman, why are you even on this show? Can't get a date yourself? Loser.   
  
AVERMAN: Says the man whose team had its collective ass kicked by the Mighty Ducks.  
  
STANSSON: Just ask the questions, you melon-headed freak!  
  
[Someone in the audience stands up.]  
  
ORION: You leave that kid alone, Wolf!  
  
KEN, LUIS, ADAM, and AVERMAN: Fight, fight, fight, fight...  
  
[The audience takes up this chant as Orion comes up on Averman and Stannson's side of the stage.]  
  
ORION: You're a mean, evil man! Even more than I pretended to be in the beginning of the third movie! And you got kicked out of the NHL, too!  
  
STANNSON: You aren't playing pro either!  
  
ORION: I left for honorable reasons, unlike you, Punchy!  
  
[The two coaches stare at each other for a long time. The Bachelors start getting bored: Luis starts primping and preening, Ken pulls out a copy of "The Hobbit," and Adam sneaks a flask out of his jacket pocket and swigs repeatedly.]  
  
AVERMAN: (singing softly) My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R...  
  
EVERYONE: SHUT UP, AVERMAN!  
  
STANNSON: Orion, I challenge you to a Coach-Off!  
  
ORION: And I accept!  
  
PRODUCER: Wait a minute! We have to go to commerical now!  
  
ORION AND STANNSON: (whining) Aww, do we have to?  
  
****  
  
[Dave Karp sits on the bench, tossing his hockey stick from hand to hand as he sings.]  
  
KARP: My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R...  
  
[Quick cut to Tammy Duncan doing a figure eight on the ice.]  
  
TAMMY: My bologna has a second name, it's M-E-Y-E-R...  
  
[Tommy Duncan skates by, also singing:]  
  
TOMMY: 'Cause Oscar Meyer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A!  
  
[All of them look at the camera and say...]  
  
ALL: Well, we never went to the Goodwill Games, did we?  
  
****  
  
[Back at the "Dating Game" stage, it's complete chaos. People are screaming and running all over the place. Half the set is on fire, while the coaches have their Coach-Off. Stannson looks like he's made of ice now, and he is shooting beams of ice from his hands at random. Orion is nowhere to be seen. Ken and Adam seem to have run off.]  
  
AVERMAN: (cowering with Luis under the partially-collapsed wall) Damn, now I know not to piss Orion off!  
  
[Stannson is suddenly hit from behind by a big fireball. He screams and melts.]  
  
ORION: (looking very Human Torch) Take that, you Icelandic wannabe! (he turns and shouts to Averman) You made your choice yet, Red?  
  
AVERMAN: Ye-yes, sir! (stands up and flings his arms around Luis) I want this one! Only please don't make me extra-crispy!  
  
ORION: Okie dokie. (he becomes normal again)  
  
LUIS: Um, let's go now. (he grabs Averman's hand and they run away)  
  
ORION: (to the camera) To my fellow coaches--remember, a Coach-Off is serious business. Never use your powers to discipline your players. With great power comes great responsiblity!  
  
END TRANSMISSION 


	4. Tammy chooses from Charlie, Terry, and K...

The Sequel to the Sequel's Sequel: "Games and Dating Make a Strange Amalgamation"   
  
[SETTING: The retro 70s set of "The Dating Game." A wall splits the stage in two. On one side is the huge light-up Dating Game insignia and a comfortable chair. On the other side are three high-backed mahogany chairs with neon-green pleather cushions.]  
  
[Coach Orion comes onstage. The theme music for "The Dating Game" starts.]  
  
ORION: Hello and welcome to another very special edition of "The Dating Game"! I'm Coach Ted Orion--responsible father and hard-ass JV coach at Eden Hall. (sighs) What? I was only in one movie...people don't have a lot of information on me and my family other than the fact that I used to play in the NHL but gave it up when my beloved daughter was in a car accident and ended up in a wheelchair. And nobody wants to make jokes about that. Today, we have a returning contestant--the Bachelorette, Tammy Duncan! And may I say, that Oscar Meyer commercial you were in was sort of sad.  
  
TAMMY: (shrugs) Hey, it pays the bills, Ted.  
  
ORION: I have a friend who might be able to get you into a couple competitions for amateur figure skating.  
  
TAMMY: Badass! I don't understand why Spazway had such a problem with you, man. You're SO much cooler than that pedo, Bombay.  
  
[During Orion's monologue and the previous discussion, the Bachelors have come onstage and taken their--rather uncomfortable--seats. Charlie Conway is in the first seat, Terry Hall is in the middle, and Dave Karp sits on the end.]  
  
ORION: Thanks very much, Ms. Duncan. Bachelors? Say hello to our lovely Bachelorette!  
  
CHARLIE: Uh, hey.  
  
TERRY: Hi, how are you?  
  
KARP: Um...er...hello?  
  
TAMMY: Hi, guys!  
  
ORION: Ms. Duncan, get out your question cards so that we can play...  
  
AUDIENCE: THE DATING GAME!  
  
[Tammy rolls her eyes.]  
  
TAMMY: Whatever. Okay, Bachelor One, what are your tastes in music?  
  
CHARLIE: I like Pantera, AC DC, and Black Sabbath...those kind of bands.  
  
TAMMY: Bachelor Three, describe your ideal woman.  
  
KARP: Gosh, I don't know...  
  
TAMMY: C'mon, man! Adjectives are your friend! Do you like 'em tall, short, skinny, fat, black, white, Indian, Asian, what?  
  
KARP: Um...I guess...Heather Locklear?  
  
[Complete silence. Tammy sighs.]  
  
TAMMY: Right. (under her breath) Let's not waste any more time on you, man. (aloud) Bachelor Two, same question.  
  
TERRY: I don't care what a girl looks like, as long as we can get along. If we enjoy spending time together and I make her happy, that's all I care about.  
  
[Everyone onstage looks impressed with this answer, except for...]  
  
KARP: (sullenly) I coulda said some bullshit like that, too.  
  
****  
  
[Shot of a frustrated-looking young woman, tapping a pencil on her desk as she stares at the notebook in front of her.]  
  
VOICE-OVER: Do you ever feel like you can't measure up to the standards held for quality fanfiction?  
  
[Various other voices say: "Your writing is flat and lifeless!" "I could barely finish reading this!" and "Don't you know a Mary Sue when you write one?" as the woman, now at her computer and signed onto the Internet, logs onto FanFiction.Net]  
  
VOICE-OVER: Have you finally admitted that maybe, just maybe, those other writers aren't as crazy as you tried to convince yourself they were? Have you realized that, in the herd that is Ducks fanfiction writers, YOU are the sick wildebeast?  
  
[Shot of a school campus that strongly resembles Eden Hall. As the voice-over goes on, images of the faculty teaching and of other students dillegently taking notes are shown.]  
  
VOICE-OVER: If so, we encourage you to enroll at DUFF, the Ducks University of Fanfiction. You'll be taught by the experts--the team members of the Mighty Ducks themselves--how to write stories for the fandom. You'll be among your peers, some of whom are considered the elite of the fandom.  
  
[Finally, the Mary Sue Containment Center is shown. Cut to Averman, controlling periodic flashes of purange as the Mary Sues flinch and cower.]  
  
VOICE-OVER: And please, fanauthors, remember: "A Mary Sue is what we'd love to waste!"  
  
AVERMAN: And we mean 'waste' in the sense of 'destroy completely,' as in a couple bullets to the brain. Unfortunately, since we're owned by Disney, guns don't exist in this world, so we just throw sunburned potatoes at them.  
  
[Charisma and Quimby come into the scene. Charisma climbs up onto Averman's work station and begins chucking potatoes at the Mary Sues, while Quimby sits on the floor chanting, "Become one with the quail, become one with the quail..."]  
  
CHARISMA: Sad as I am to admit it, Duff, Gilby, Slash, Axl, and anyone else affiliated with Guns 'n' Roses do not endorse DUFF in the slightest.   
  
QUIMBY: Enroll now! (she puts a belt on her head) Because Quailgirl said to, bi-atch!  
  
****  
  
[Back to the Dating Game set. Mr. Tibbles and Coach Orion are arguing in hushed voices in one corner while Tammy paints her nails with Pond Scum Green by Crapola. Dave is sulking, Charlie is singing 'Hells Bells' in an off-key voice, and Terry is quietly doing some yoga.]  
  
ORION: (sees the On-Air sign lit up) And, we're back! (shoves Mr. Tibbles out of the shot) Time for more questions from Tammy!  
  
TAMMY: Right. (handles the cards carefully, trying not to smudge her nails) Bachelor Two, do you like watching MTV, VH1, or MTV2 the best?  
  
KARP: Oh, MTV2, definitely. The other channels hardly ever play music videos anymore, and that's what music television is supposed to be about, isn't it?  
  
TAMMY: (mutters to herself) Bonus points, Three. Maybe I'll give you a chance. (aloud) Bachelor One, describe Bachelor Two for me. And when he's done, Bachelor Two, do the same for him.  
  
CHARLIE: Well, he's kind of short...a little on the skinny side, too. And he's doing yoga or something as we speak. He's black, and his hair hasn't been relaxed, but it's not quite a 'fro yet.  
  
TERRY: Oh, we always gotta make it about color, don't we?   
  
CHARLIE: Dude, nothing personal. But that's important to know.  
  
TERRY: (scowling) Okay, Bachelorette, let me tell you about this punk here next to me. He's a white boy, as you no doubt have figured out, his hair is dark brown and all over the place on his pointy head, his eyes look kinda sunken in his face, and he's got a protruding forehead. Caveman, girl, complete caveman. He's tall and muscular and he's stinkin' up the place. Hey, when's the last time you took a bath, Christmas of '92?  
  
CHARLIE: What? You little monkey!  
  
TERRY: He called me a monkey! He called me a goddamned monkey! You racist bastard!  
  
[Terry jumps up from the floor and grabs his chair, throwing it against the wall so that the chair breaks into pieces. As Charlie and Karp scatter, Terry picks up a big stick-like piece of wood and chases Charlie backstage.]  
  
ORION: Oh, for the love of Mike! (he runs around the wall and follows the boys backstage)   
  
ORION'S VOICE: Young man, give me that chair fragment!  
  
TERRY'S VOICE: So now you're siding with HIM! It's because I'm black, ain't it?!  
  
[A smashing sound. Charlie can be heard crying like a little girl.]  
  
ORION'S VOICE: Not the mirrors! Give me that stick, dammit!  
  
[Onstage, Karp still stands on the other side of the wall so that Tammy can't see him, but he's holding out a hand around the wall. There is a package of Twinkies in his hand.]  
  
KARP: Psst! Bachelorette! You want a Twinkie?  
  
MR. TIBBLES: Go to commercial!  
  
****  
  
[Shot of Averman checking in with the dorm supervisor. As the voice-over continues, it changes to Luis checking in.]  
  
VOICE-OVER: Senior year. A time of endings...and for Les Averman and Luis Mendoza, a time of beginnings...  
  
[Averman and Luis get their first glimpse of their dorm room.]  
  
VOICE-OVER: ...as they share a room the size of shoebox.   
  
SOUNDBITE: "Only freshman should get rooms this tiny!"  
  
VOICE-OVER: Join us for the fury...  
  
[Mr. Stiles shouting and threatening plant theives as, in the background, the Bash Brothers steal one of his yucca plants.]  
  
VOICE-OVER: the fighting...  
  
[Various possessions being flung out of Charlie and Adam's shared room, accompanied by screams of "Slob!" and "Cake Eater!"]  
  
VOICE-OVER: the drama...  
  
[Averman and Luis doing the blind exercise during drama practice as classmates watch and whisper about what a cute couple they are.]  
  
VOICE-OVER: and the confusion...  
  
[Montage of shots: Annie crying, "You mean Aisha's straight?!" Averman saying, "Um, fire?" as Goldberg tries to save SimBuffy. Luis and Averman trying to unstick their plastered-in doorknob from the wall. Adam singing 'Dancing Queen.']  
  
VOICE-OVER: ...of the WB's latest miniseries based on the best-selling, critically acclaimed story by Star: "Tales from the Shoebox"! Don't miss it, cake-eaters!  
  
****  
  
[The Dating Game set. Orion, wincing, is being tended to by a couple medics because he has a big lump on the side of his head. Charlie has a black eye and his arm is in a sling. Terry is being glared at by two burly security guys, who hold him by the arms between them. Karp is talking on a mobile phone, and Tammy is quietly eating a Twinkie, watching the medics caring for Orion.]  
  
ORION: Welcome back, viewers. To cut down on the carnage, we've decided to let the Bachelorette make her choice now, and explain why she chose as she did. Tammy?  
  
TAMMY: Well, first of all, I have to say that I DID NOT choose Bachelor One. You like the same music that I do, but you're the worst kind of chicken--you don't back up what you say. And secondly, I didn't choose Bachelor Three. It's only because I don't think we'd get along. Number Three, you seem too meek and indecisive for me. No offense, and thanks for the Twinkies.  
  
KARP: (on the phone) Yes, thanks. Bye. (to Tammy) No problem, Tammy. You're welcome.  
  
TERRY: So you chose me?  
  
TAMMY: Yes, Number Two, I did. You handled Number One exactly like I would if I thought he'd insulted me--I respect that. We'll definitely have fun on our date!  
  
[The security guys pick up Terry and walk around the wall. Tammy sighs and shakes her head.]  
  
TAMMY: Let him go, ya big galoots.   
  
[Terry, once released, walks up to Tammy and gives her a kiss on the cheek.]  
  
TAMMY: (smiling) Number Two, you look so healthy and youthful.  
  
TERRY: Thanks. You're pretty cute yourself.  
  
ORION: Well, that's that. Join us next time for another episode of the Dating Game!  
  
[The scene begins to fade to black.]  
  
CHARLIE: Orion, you're like, the most boring person ever.  
  
ORION: More boring than...(dramatic pause) former Vice-President and Democratic candidate Al Gore?  
  
KARP: I wouldn't say that...  
  
END TRANSMISSION 


End file.
